When we were growing up, my dad had this really thick leather belt, granted I'm not sure how thick it really was but to my mind as a little girl it was the thickest belt I had ever seen, and that was the belt he used when we got a spanking. JW got at least one a day, sometimes more. I probably got the least in the family, which I'm sure was just because I was the youngest, not really because I was the best behaved. Mom would use a flyswatter or a yard stick when it was time to give a spanking. She would also take a briefcase to church with her lesson materials and scriptures and things in it, but she also had this wooden dowel in there. And whenever she grabbed JW's arm and pulled him out of the meeting carrying the briefcase, we all knew he was going to get it with that dowel. I remember one time Kellee & JW told me to put a bunch of toilet paper in my pants before I went in for my spanking because that would make it not hurt so much and Dad wouldn't know. Wasn't that a mean thing to do to a little sister? Of course that made him madder, and of course they thought that was funny! I was so gullible.
In no way do I think my parents were abusive or ever let their anger get out of control. They were very loving, and one way to show a child love is to set limits for them. Spanking was the way they had been taught by their parents to enforce those limits, and I think back then even more so than now, it was the cultural norm. Is it the best way? I don't think so. Is it right? I don't think so. Have I spanked my children? Yes. I don't like doing it and don't do it very often. Whenever I do resort to that I feel like I have lost my cool and therefore am not thinking clearly enough to reason a better way to handle the situation. And looking back on it after things have cooled down, I always think there was a better choice I could have made. This is kind of an interesting debate that I've had with my brother before. He would say that it is a very effective way of catching the child's attention and they will always know that he loves them. It would be good for them to be afraid of misbehaving. I don't think that is in line with what the scriptures or the prophets have taught.
I am just loving this parenting and child guidance class that I am taking. Right now I'm studying for the midterm exam, and yesterday I was reviewing the material about different parenting styles -- coercive (yelling, arbitrary punitive punishments, spanking, belittling), permissive (few limits, not following through with any rules, always giving in, child runs the show), and authoritative (warm and loving connection, clear rules that are firmly enforced, and allowing autonomy or letting them make some of their choices). I was going back over some interesting reading material from a BYU journal called Marriage and Families that had a section on spanking that was really good. Here's a link to it. The whole article is good, but you can just scroll down to find the spanking part if you don't have much time.
There was also a video clip in the course material that I don't know how to post here, but it was of some leading child development researchers talking about the effects of spanking and some better alternatives. The last line of it said, "If you spank your children and they turn out okay, that doesn't mean you are a good parent. It just means you're lucky." I guess Mom and Dad were lucky -- even JW turned out okay.
4 comments:
What a great post. I'm the oldest of four and the older two of us were definitely spanked when we were kids. #3 was spanked a little and #4 I don't think has ever had a spanking in his life. :) I remember my mom saying if she had it to do over she would never have spanked any of us, ever. Cory & I have had this discussion, as well. We have, occasionally, spanked our kids. It's not frequently, and we feel exactly as you describe yourself, "I don't like doing it and don't do it very often. Whenever I do resort to that I feel like I have lost my cool and therefore am not thinking clearly enough to reason a better way to handle the situation. And looking back on it after things have cooled down, I always think there was a better choice I could have made." I haven't read the article you linked, but definitely will. I think the best way to respond to your post is "AMEN!" :)
Joe and I are having this discussion right now. He was raised in a much more physically aggressive home than we were. We only got spanked, he got other things too. I don't like spanking either. I have only done it, like you said, when I lost control. Yesterday, Luke was REALLY trying my patience and wanted to spank him badly, but instead, I put him in his room and closed the door. He could get out anytime he wanted, I just needed to separate myself for a few minutes to get under control again.
Kellee, you'll have to get Joe to read that article. It's the second part of a two-series piece, and the first one is good, too. Well, really the whole journal is full of good stuff.
It seems like I quite often catch myself saying or doing something the way Mom did it, so it is a big challenge to try to change our way of doing things from what we saw our parents do. I wish everyone could take this class I'm taking, but then again it's not really necessary. The scriptures teach the same stuff -- I'm just learning about how current research is proving that the way the scriptures teach we should live really does work for the best.
Oh, one more thing that is really stressed in authoritative parenting (the best way) is that no matter what you do, do it with love. If you're going to spank, don't do it because you're angry. Acting out of love is the only way we can really teach them what we want them to know. And teaching is really the point of disciplining a child.
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